death by water

To some a time of relaxation, getting away from the days troubles and relaxing in a nice warm bath. Bubbles gently burst on your skin, the aroma of some exotic soap emminating from the tub. To my son however, you may have well put him in a tub of bubbling acid. The second the water touches his skin, the shrill screams exiting his mouth is enough to make a banshee run in fear. So what is it about "being clean" that troubles these young children? Do they derive their social status among other children by the amount of crap they can accumulate on themselves? Maybe acting as an insulator during cold weather? Or maybe perhaps they just like to plain smell like something that has crawled out of a sewer and died. I had woken my son up one morning, rushing to get ready for church my wife had decided to have me get him up and throw him in with her to save on time. I pulled his sweet little head from his pillow and through the slits in his tired eyelids i could see he was happy to see me. As his eyes opened a little more he glanced across the hall and his little heart sank. "Daddy no no no no, I want to sleep I want to sleep!!" he screamed as he bolted toward his bead. After wrestling his clothes off him and unwrapping the pretzel of limbs protecting his diaper flaps, victory was mine. I believe teaching proper hygene to these young individuals is just as hard if not more than potty training, at least it is with my child. I can get him to sit on the potty for hours but the mere mention of bathing or heaven forbid brush his teeth puts him into a violent rage.

ten to none

My wife should be the one writing this but i beat her to it. I am but a man amongst men in a womans house and though we out number her ten to none it seems this new addition to our family has not gained us any foothold on the running of the home.

During pregnancy the husbands role makes a drastic change from what it was prior to the child creating event. Though the man may not like it he dare not complain. Raging hormonal imbalances rule over the household court and turn it into a jury of one, odds stacked against him he has but one choice, to listen. Listening for a man is a complex function, one of which not even the men understand let alone the women trying to figure them out. This breaks down into two categories 1.) comprehension and 2.) absentmindedness. Comprehension occurs when the words being spoken to a man pass through the ear canal and imprint on the brain where it stays and can be recalled at strategic times throughout the males life to avoid contention and or dominate an argument ( a one out of a million chance, sorry guys). This brings us to absentmindedness which runs the males cerebral cortex 90% of his life. This can easily be identified however and leads to such things as marital nagging. Thats right guys we don't marry naggy women we create them through our own efforts so shame on you. This inability to imprint messages and information on the brain poses all sorts of spousal spats from, "I sent you out for milk, whats with the chocolate", and "where's the milk!", to "i'll just do it myself next time!" and of course "honey can you pick up some milk?" and thus the vicious circle starts again. So guys don't feel bad that you don't remember these things it is in your genetics not to and wives don't ask anything of your man that a green bean couldn't understand cause chances are you're looking at one. Guys give up that fantasy of "putting your foot down" she'll just cut it off and leave you with a stump, instead focus your energies at things you do well, eating, sleeping, and watching tv.

The "opinion", this mythological concept does not exist. Men we do not have opinions though some of us still tend to think we do and thus the murder percentage goes up another point...................to be continued

what......i got you pregnant again?

So 9 months ago well what more do you want me to say, tuesday i'm having a baby i'll leave it at that. A mere five seconds of bliss turns into a screaming ball of poop and thus the miracle of life begins. Lol ok so it isn't that bad, we had Brandon just coming up on three years ago and in a few days will be bringing a little brother home for him to terrorize. I asked Brandon if he was exited for this new baby to come home and he promptly replied in his small innocent voice "No, babies are icky!". Well sitting back and looking at it babies are quite "icky". Man has come a long way from monkeys pooping in bushes which by smelling these wonderful bundles of joy at certain points in the day leaves me wondering if we as a society have made this simple bodily function more disgusting than need be. Givin the choice between wiping the green goo from between my precious babies cheeks or sending him to a corner of the jungle amongst the foliage, I'd take the greenery. A diaper to some an engineering masterpiece to others a potential biological weapon inducing vomiting and the occasional faintness, to my dog a tasty snack if left alone for more than two seconds. There has to be a better way to accomplish this, my least favorite parental duty. Ok situation, Iraq, nightfall, two terrorists holed up in a abandoned shack holding a woman hostage. The solders slide their gas masks over their heads pull a small plastic canister from their packs and tosses a diaper through a crack in the wall. Seconds later three bodies fall to the ground the woman unconcious but safe. The diaper the gran puba of all non lethal weaponry. It boggles my mind how a baby weighing less than ten pounds can produce a smell that envelopes an entire apartment yet a 200 lb man can make the same amount of effort and at most fill a room. The day the self cleaning diaper is released to the public there will be mass rejoicing in the streets of the world until then we are doomed to carry around diaper bags and spare clothes pins.

With the birth of this new child my diaper load has just doubled. My older son has no interest in using the "big boy" potty. When told he needs to start wearing his thomas the tank engine underwear he replied "No, I want to wear diapers, mommy where my thomas underwear!!!" After getting the image of my 9 month pregnant wife trying to put on a toddler pair of underwear i threatened to give all of his diapers to his cousin Ayden. This just rose an even bigger hell and the reality set in that I'm going to be changing this child's diapers till he moves out of the house. God I hope not, I may sound negative but I'm looking forward to this new child. It may disgust me at times but the lil smile they give you, the laugh that sometimes accompanies it, makes it worth it. Little things like being able to roll across the floor a baby makes it so precious. Which brings me to my list of things that babies make cute that adults don't

1.) constipation. Though i'm sure they are in just as much discomfort as i would be in the same situation for a baby this failure to pass a turd can turn into a room full of laughter. I remember walking through a barnes and noble with my brother in law when brandon was a couple months old. Jonathan stops me, concern on his face, i look down to see my son with the brightest shade of red on his face, i guess jonathans reaction was funnier than his face and the shaking that accompanied it but nonetheless a humerous event. Even when the going is easy my son will find a secluded corner in which to do his business, ya like we don't know what you're doing brandon, While a child bears this agony with quiet squeezing and epileptic shaking, most grown adults ............. ok not going there, moving on...

2.)drooling. Having to wipe an adults ever dribbling mouth just seems disgusting to me.

3.)burping. Obnoxious, I suppose the cut off for cuteness is around two or three, I've almost peed myself on numerous occasions hearing such a loud noise coming from such a little package.

4.)Playing with yourself. Yes even the wee ones become addicted to this primal behavior though i do not know what they are doing it for, they don't even know what its for. I thought i wouldn't have to deal with this behavior until his teenage years but leave it to brandon to discover his ...... um ....... fiddle stick this early in his life. Walking in to your two and a half year old son with his hand down his pants staring blankly at the cieling, funnier than i'd expect walking in on your grandfather or something.

All joking aside i'm glad to be a new father again, as a man I'm glad i just have to sit there with a book while my wife squeezes the thing out. as a father you realize how little you really do when it comes to the raising of children because when it is all said and done it seems to be the mothers that come out on top we're just along for the ride.