what......i got you pregnant again?

So 9 months ago well what more do you want me to say, tuesday i'm having a baby i'll leave it at that. A mere five seconds of bliss turns into a screaming ball of poop and thus the miracle of life begins. Lol ok so it isn't that bad, we had Brandon just coming up on three years ago and in a few days will be bringing a little brother home for him to terrorize. I asked Brandon if he was exited for this new baby to come home and he promptly replied in his small innocent voice "No, babies are icky!". Well sitting back and looking at it babies are quite "icky". Man has come a long way from monkeys pooping in bushes which by smelling these wonderful bundles of joy at certain points in the day leaves me wondering if we as a society have made this simple bodily function more disgusting than need be. Givin the choice between wiping the green goo from between my precious babies cheeks or sending him to a corner of the jungle amongst the foliage, I'd take the greenery. A diaper to some an engineering masterpiece to others a potential biological weapon inducing vomiting and the occasional faintness, to my dog a tasty snack if left alone for more than two seconds. There has to be a better way to accomplish this, my least favorite parental duty. Ok situation, Iraq, nightfall, two terrorists holed up in a abandoned shack holding a woman hostage. The solders slide their gas masks over their heads pull a small plastic canister from their packs and tosses a diaper through a crack in the wall. Seconds later three bodies fall to the ground the woman unconcious but safe. The diaper the gran puba of all non lethal weaponry. It boggles my mind how a baby weighing less than ten pounds can produce a smell that envelopes an entire apartment yet a 200 lb man can make the same amount of effort and at most fill a room. The day the self cleaning diaper is released to the public there will be mass rejoicing in the streets of the world until then we are doomed to carry around diaper bags and spare clothes pins.

With the birth of this new child my diaper load has just doubled. My older son has no interest in using the "big boy" potty. When told he needs to start wearing his thomas the tank engine underwear he replied "No, I want to wear diapers, mommy where my thomas underwear!!!" After getting the image of my 9 month pregnant wife trying to put on a toddler pair of underwear i threatened to give all of his diapers to his cousin Ayden. This just rose an even bigger hell and the reality set in that I'm going to be changing this child's diapers till he moves out of the house. God I hope not, I may sound negative but I'm looking forward to this new child. It may disgust me at times but the lil smile they give you, the laugh that sometimes accompanies it, makes it worth it. Little things like being able to roll across the floor a baby makes it so precious. Which brings me to my list of things that babies make cute that adults don't

1.) constipation. Though i'm sure they are in just as much discomfort as i would be in the same situation for a baby this failure to pass a turd can turn into a room full of laughter. I remember walking through a barnes and noble with my brother in law when brandon was a couple months old. Jonathan stops me, concern on his face, i look down to see my son with the brightest shade of red on his face, i guess jonathans reaction was funnier than his face and the shaking that accompanied it but nonetheless a humerous event. Even when the going is easy my son will find a secluded corner in which to do his business, ya like we don't know what you're doing brandon, While a child bears this agony with quiet squeezing and epileptic shaking, most grown adults ............. ok not going there, moving on...

2.)drooling. Having to wipe an adults ever dribbling mouth just seems disgusting to me.

3.)burping. Obnoxious, I suppose the cut off for cuteness is around two or three, I've almost peed myself on numerous occasions hearing such a loud noise coming from such a little package.

4.)Playing with yourself. Yes even the wee ones become addicted to this primal behavior though i do not know what they are doing it for, they don't even know what its for. I thought i wouldn't have to deal with this behavior until his teenage years but leave it to brandon to discover his ...... um ....... fiddle stick this early in his life. Walking in to your two and a half year old son with his hand down his pants staring blankly at the cieling, funnier than i'd expect walking in on your grandfather or something.

All joking aside i'm glad to be a new father again, as a man I'm glad i just have to sit there with a book while my wife squeezes the thing out. as a father you realize how little you really do when it comes to the raising of children because when it is all said and done it seems to be the mothers that come out on top we're just along for the ride.